the first week of my new journey…

Well! I’ve done 9 days in the new flat and its great! Admittedly today I’ve been bored shitless! And found it quite lonely but I suppose I have to take the good with the bad.

The furniture isn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and certain peeps surprised me with their charity. Thanks to my ex-brother in law I now have bunk beds for the boys. And thanks to a girl at work Mel I have a beautiful table and chairs. All these were given to me out of the kindness of their hearts and I really appreciate their kindness and generosity.

Things with the Ex are brilliant! We talk more now. However I have made an issue of staying away or not too long at the house, so to avoid any misgivings of how this is to continue. I want him to be in my life but he needs to be clear I’m building a new life for myself and won’t be around all the time. It may seem harsh but my intention is to avoid any misunderstandings which inevitably causes tension and arguments.

The boys are now settling in well. We’ve had a few tears and saying they want to go home but not for the last few days now. They spent their first night at their Dads on friday which I think helped them realise that they will see Daddy a lot and things are better this way.
I went out on Friday for the first time ever as a single gal. It was fun, I didn’t ‘pull’. But that’s a blessing. it wasn’t my intention but it was hard not to think if the chance presented itself I would have a choice. I did get too drunk and for first time had a tiff with my bezzie Della. Who thank god is understanding and has put down to drink and experience. Its totally out of character for me however I had put a few shots and bacardis away. Its the Irish in me! I can drink like a fish plus not really having a drink whilst being ill has made me a lil bit of a lightweight lol! I’ll make it up to her anyways

I’m working all day tomorrow and Tuesday then have rest of week off for kids half term holidays. Then the week after that I’m back in full time thank god! Doing part time was starting to be irritating! Not knowing everything that was going on made me feel slightly out of loop, stupidly enough. At least I know I’ve not been stupid and pushed myself back into work too quickly. I know I’m ready. I know I’ll be knackered at first and after a week I’ll wish I was off but for now I will enjoy looking forward to getting my routine back. Isn’t it funny how we get bored of our routine lives and want change or variation but if we get too much we crave that routine back! Or is it just me?

Well as usual people feel free to comment. I love a bit of interaction but its a little sparse on here. And at the moment I’m writing on my blackberry I’ve not sorted my internet out yet so I’m not ignoring any of your blogs I can’t wait to have nosy and catch up with certain people.

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new journey

Hello fellow bloggers! I know its been too long since I last blogged but I’ve had a lot going on lately. Let’s bring you up to date!

Well I’m feeling a lot better now my tablets have been reduced. I was taking nine a day and now its only two- thank god! And all the horrid side effects have now stopped. No more painful joints or tiredness.

Now here’s the shocker! Me and the other half have split up! It was my decision and thankfully we are being very amicable with each other. Its all happened so quickly its unbelievable! I made up my mind two weeks ago today and then it took me a few days to pluck up the courage to tell him. It went so much better than I expected. He took it really well and understood completely. The next day I went round town to enquire on properties to rent and see how much deposit etc I would need, and ended viewing a flat that same day. The very flat I sit in now as I write this! I moved in yesterday. It all went extremely well and the boys love the place, but it has left me feeling happy to begin a new journey in my life however its incredibly sad that it has come to this.

I made the decision to part for selfish reasons, I know that. But I’m 29 and I was being a mom, a worker and a carer to the other half. I want more! I want to have fun and live life. The other halfs illnesses were too much to handle. We have agreed I will still look after him as much as I can. And the flat is five minutes away from him so that’s good. I do still love him dearly but not in a ‘lovers’ way anymore.

But we all have to shitty things from time to time and know its for the right reasons. Life is too short! Too short for regrets!

Love to you all and as always please feel free to comment. Xxx

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Update….

Well it’s been a week since my last update. The early mornings, taking the boys to school. weren’t as bad as I thought they would be. I felt quite awake once getting home after a short but cold walk to their school. This helped with getting on top of the house before I return to work. I need to be organised!! I’m not as organised as I’d like but it’s manageable. I’m back to work tomorrow. Can’t remember if I’ve already posted about it but I spoke to my boss last week and she said if I can definitely work Wednesday and Friday afternoons and Tuesday morning that I can come and go as I please! How wonderful is that! Not that I will take advantage of this privilege. Those specific days are just so the two people I work with can have their half days as they’ve not had them since I was off. How bad? All over christmas and New Year. Bless them! Not that it’s my fault but I can’t help but feel guilty. I just made it clear to my boss that I would have to take it one day at a time as I don’t really know how I’ll be. I could return and cope wonderfully with everything. Or my body could really protest and make life worse! I think just knowing that there’s no real pressure from work helps, I know I can take it in my stride. And its lovely to have that offer ‘to come and go as I please’ it shows they know I won’t abuse that trust. The only time I won’t be in work is because I am genuinely struggling and may just need a good day of rest. What I plan to do is see how the next couple of weeks go. I will do the specific days asked of me plus go in when the boys are at school between 9am-3pm which I think tests me enough but leaves time to adjust as well. Wish me luck!!

This weekend a lady, that I knew growing up, passed away. between the ages of approx 8-11 years old I would go to her house in the summer holidays in the daytime. Although she was of similar age to my Nan she had a daughter the same age as me and a son a little bit older. She lived a couple of doors down from my Nans house. She was a lovely lady, words don’t seem to be able to describe how nice she actually was. I have never met a lady like her before or since. I lost contact with them and due to the wonders of Facebook I found her daughter. We’ve kept in touch since through Facebook. Through this contact I learned her Mother had been really unwell, unfortunately she’d got cancer. Of late she had gotten worse and her family were told last week she was terminal and it wouldn’t be long. She lost her long long battle with cancer early hours Saturday morning. It is a very saad time however I can not help feel that she is no longer suffering even though her last few days were pain free she had battled years to live to see a few more months/ years with her grandchildren.

Even though no one I know reads this blog ( I use this to meet new people) I would just like to acknowledge that my thoughts and prayers go out to to the her and her family though this tough time.

Back to reality

I am dreading Monday morning! The boys are back to school which means early mornings for me. Don’t get me wrong I’ll be thankful for some routine in our lives but my sleeping pattern at the moment is about 4am to 11am. I just can’t seem to get to sleep any earlier! I keep getting ‘restless’ legs. I feel like I could just tear off my legs and scratch inside. Bet some of you have had it. Well it never starts until I start to settle for bed, and this week I’ve been trying to settle around midnight so you can imagine my frustration when it takes another four or so hours to get to sleep! If it’s not my legs I start itching ( a delightful side effect from the medication) or i’m just plain uncomfortable. So Monday will be delightful , maybe I should write LEAVE ME ALONE on my face just so I don’t bite someones head off lol! Hopefully this time next week my body clock will have shifted HOPEFULLY.

Another lovely side effect of my medication is aching joints and oh my god do they ache! Seriously! I have suffered with what I’d call arthritic pain with my knees before but that was in the freezing cold festival camping conditions. But my wrists, elbows, shoulders, hips, knees and ankles are causing me agony. They feel so stiff, I feel I’ve aged 30 years in my body. And when you have pain like this you begin to realise how much of your body you use to do simple tasks. It may sound stupid to you but at the moment my wrists are causing the most havoc. When you lean over to grab something and steady yourself it hurts my wrists. Of course it would I applying most my body weight to one area but in healthier cricumstances I wouldn’t have noticed this. I just have to remember to take these ailments into consideration when returning to reality. I knelt down the other day to look in the freezer and cried in pain and shot back up. I couldn’t believe I couldn’t even squat down without it causing some major pain. Admittedly most of it is noticeable but manageable. But the knees are worrying me the most, maybe they’re worse as they were achey prior to the TB. I don’t know but I hope it doesn’t last long.

Work is going to be a delight to return to. I can’t wait for the chores of the job and the social interaction. I have no choice but to be sociable which is good at the moment because I could happily lock myself away. I’ll be working out a ‘staggered’ return timetable with my boss next week I should imagine. They understand that not only am I going to have to cope with my own problems getting back to work ( like not being as fit as I used to be) but I have the family to think about. The other half is not capable anymore to look after the boys as he used to be. We found that role reversal worked for us. I go to work full time and he stays at home and has the boys. He has been disabled most of his life and has made attempts to go to work but something always stops him. And after being in Intensive Care last winter and now the TB it really has knocked him on his arse. The responsibilty of having the boys even just after school is going to be tough. We’ll have to see how we work this in the future. I can’t really afford childcare, but if needs must! Back to work, They have always been supportive. Last year when other half was in Intensive Care it happened just before Christmas. As usual I had left all the Christmas shopping until last minute next thing you know we’re holding vigil next the other half’ bed! For two nights in a row my dear friend from work turned up on my doorstep. Night one: christmas decorations and presents for the kids and a few for me! Night two: all the christmassy food you could eat and more! They really looked after me and the boys. Our family GP/one of my bosses even visited the Intensive Care Unit the day my eldest was visiting and explained it all to him in such a great way I was no longer worried about him seeing his Dad in that state. And it did him the world of good too.

Sometimes I feel soo shitty and then I have times of clarity, like right now. I am very lucky to have the people in my life family and friends alike are all amazing people It can be good to be me! (sometimes)

Urgh!!!!!

Today I’m not ‘feeling’ people. The one I have to spend time with constantly (the other half) is irritating the shit out of me so much I don’t want to be around anyone. I know it’s not his fault and I’m no Florence Nightingale, believe me. I don’t know what’s up with me. The slightest thing sets me off and mainly as soon as I wake up. I’m known for my little strops but they don’t normally last long and ends with me bashfully apologising to everyone I’ve come across. But today I did my chores stomping around then left for the shop. I thought the walk would do me good despite the strong wind and biting cold, but not even this calmed my mood, which increased my irritation even more. I’ve come back and started the laundry, completely ignoring him just answering the boys when I must. I’m trying not to take it out on them. But take WHAT out on them?? I don’t know why I feel so pissed off! Maybe it’s the medication, I have been on some highs and some lows, it’s just worrying me now as it’s lasted most of the day. Like I said I normally feel a bit of a plonk by now and the other half has a great knack for doing something that makes me feel sorry for him or makes me see I’m just being a bitch. That’s annoying too…….knowing you’re out-of-order but unable to stop it.

Maybe I feel like I’m losing myself a little since all the TB drama? I had just begun to get some sort of social life together when I became ill. When it took hold at first I’d been on my first holiday with the boys and my mate Della and her kids. It was great, even if I was ill most the time, to be independent. I can admit that the beginning of last year was the first time I began to actually feel like an adult. Do I feel like a silly little girl again now? I don’t know! I don’t think so………maybe I’ve just been stagnant for too long. Maybe it’s time to get my head into working mode. Or maybe this is just a bad day, we all have them! Am I making mountains out of mole hills? Probably. How annoying our brain chemistry can be!!

Comments please…………………………..

2012……….and what I’ve been upto inbetween!!

Well this blog hasn’t gone as smoothly as i hoped when i began it. The end of 2011 was a nightmare for me to be fair, and here is why………

If you’ve read previous blogs (as few as there are) I was very unwell. Since August 2011 I had lost weight rapidly (which was good if I’m being honest) the smell of food made me vomit constantly,  I felt weak all the time, basically I was wasting away. I had seen my GP numerous of times and he did numerous tests and came up with zilch! In the early hours of my birthday 9th November, my other half began feeling very unwell and due to his ongoing conditions (COPD and influenza) he phoned an ambulance. He was admitted and they found he had TB! When this was discovered, two days after his admittance, I put two and two together and came up with four lol. Yes I had TB!

My close friend Della and my step daughter Steph immediately phoned for an ambulance. A Rapid Response man turned up to assess me and see if an ambulance was needed. By this time I had deteriorated a hell of a lot, so much so all whom were around me were very worried and upset. I had lost even more weight (to clarify how bad it was I was a size 16 and shrunk to a size 10 in 3 months!) and I could no longer swallow, so at this point I could not only not eat but had a lot of difficulty drinking too! LOL it got so bad I was actually wetting a flannel and sucking it to get fluids! Anyway the rapid response guy was horrid! He kept asking me what the actual emergency was. I admitted it was actually not an emergency in my eyes and I was sorry he was bothered on a Friday night with lil old me. He said I’d just got a throat infection and made me sit and suck on calpol sachet for kids, which meant I had to have double because obviously im not a kid. He was told my other half was in hospital and had been diagnosed with TB to which he replied it was highly unlikely I had it. By the time he left I felt like I had completely wasted NHS time and money and was ready to do as he told me which was to get back to bed. Della and my step daughter Steph were livid and felt that they were not being listened to. They were very concerned about me. Steph got on the phone to her Uncle (the other half’ brother) and told him the situation and bless him he phoned an ambulance from where he was and demanded I be admitted. Within minutes there was an ambulance whisking me off to hospital with me apologising all the time for being a nuisance. Once I was in hospital the staff were amazing! They took me seriously straight away, once x-rays were done they confirmed I had TB. in the meantime, upon entering A&E we seen the Rapid Response guy who had attended to me previous, he walked up to the paramedics whom had brought me in and said ‘I’ve already seen her! If you’d have phoned me I’d of told you there’s nothing wrong with her!’ Cheeky git!!

In A&E I remember it was like I was out of my face. I had not been given any meds to make me like that but I was just remember slipping in and out of consciousness. Steph spoke to one of the doctors and asked how serious it was. The doc said if I’d have left it another week she could have been planning my funeral!!! So if I’d have done what the Rapid Response guy had advised me to do ie. go back to bed - I could have died!! And I know me, if it wasnt for Della and Steph I’d have just curled up in bed and not bothered anyone again because I felt a twirp for them calling the ambulance anyway. Thank God for friends and family who care!! So there I was in A&E with TB. They took me up to a ward where I had to stay in a side room segregated from everyone else because TB is contagious (I’ll fill you in later on what TB is). The first few days I hardly knew where I was or who was there but as the meds started working I began to feel better by about day four. The first week in the side room was bliss, peace and quiet, but by the second week I was climbing the walls! I had an e-book, the laptop (but no internet), my iPod, my blackberry and puzzle books and I was still bored shitless! And to top it all off I’d been admitted on the Friday and my eldest lads birthday was on the Sunday, he was not allowed to visit us but fortunately good family and friends made the most of the day for him. For two weeks I was unable to see my little treasures, it was painstaking believe me! I’ve never been away from them for so long and they had never really stopped with anyone else so I was worried about them settling. Bless them they had a few nights at Stephs then a week with my mum. Bless my Mum she was great, she’s never had the boys overnight nevermind for a week!! But my boys did me proud and behaved themselves wonderfully.

I was finally let out and returned home to my boys. Again thank goodness for my friends and family because I was in recovery and not as agile as one used to be. It made me laugh leaving the hospital. I was itching to get out and wasn’t released until about 7pm, I had been using the commode for my toilet needs and just before leaving I was dying for the loo but I was sick of using the commode. It’s not very comfortable and feels, somehow, wrong lol. So me being me thought I’ll use the loo before leaving the hospital. I was getting a lift home off Stephs fella who was meeting me outside. So there I am (feeling wonderful and like I can conquer the world) I walk down a short corridor into the lift then down a long-ish corridor to the entrance/exit which is where toilets are located. By the time I reach the toilets I’m knackered! Then to my horror I couldn’t lift myself off the toilet!!! LOL!! Finally after five minutes I was able to lift myself, and immediately started laughing my head off! Here I was a 29-year-old woman weighing hardly anything and I was that weak I couldn’t lift myself off the loo!! Thank god I can look on the funny side of things. I said to Steph I had visions of phoning her from the toilet and asking if she could come and help me off. How funny would that have been!?!

Anyway finally I got home and surprised my boys who had no idea Mummy was coming home. It was wonderful to see their little faces light up when they walked in to see me sitting in the Living room. The last few weeks have been a struggle but finally I am starting to feel myself again. I have to take nine tablets a day for the next five months. The course is six months and I’ve already had a month’s course. The combination of drugs and the TB have really knocked me about. I have had to look after the boys but admittedly they have been great and Connor my eldest has been amazing. Then the week before christmas my other half came home. The illness has really took its toll on him, mainly because of his ongoing conditions and his age, luckily for me I have youth and good health on my side. So my recovery period was sort of cut short, then to top it off Christmas was looming. Thank God for Ebay!! I did most of the christmas shopping online and saved a bargain. It was the first time I’ve brought something online and needless to say I think a new addiction has begun.

Thankfully Christmas went off without a hitch and we even had a party on Boxing Day with all our close friends and children. It was probably the best day out of the whole festive season, thoroughly enjoyable but completely exhausting also. New years was very quiet and anti-social. I wasn’t in the mood at all to celebrate. Normally I am totally up for a good knees up to say goodbye to the good or bad year we’ve had but 2011 left without a toast from me. I think this was due to the second shitty year in a row and I felt 2011 didn’t deserve a good farewell. I just wanted it over. Goodbye and good riddance!

2012………… I have big hopes for this year. I refuse to make plans or resolutions as I feel it puts pressure on a person to stick to these plans and this time next year you feel stupid/embarrassed/annoyed/angry that you didn’t follow through on what you vowed you would do. So my one promise for 2012 is that I will do my utmost to live life to the full and as always no regrets. I would like to do things I have been putting off for one reason or another. ‘Never enough time or money’ , ‘can’t be bothered’, ‘the hassle of it would be a……hassle’ are not excuses I wish to use this year. But we shall see, I may chatting the same old shit this time next year!

So that is what I have been up to. I haven’t had the inclination at all to be my normal academic self. I love keeping my brain active and struggle to just sit and watch TV, I always need to be doing something else as well. But since being ill I had lost all inclination for all things concerning usage of my brain. I have only noticed this over the last week I think its my current obsession with The Sims 2 for the PC. I’ve begun to realise that this activity is favourable at the moment because it is mind numbing. At times this is not a bad thing, but for me the constant it has become in my life is not me. I do like games like that, I’m aware they seem pointless to a lot of people but hey! I enjoy them. BUT not to put my brain to some sort of challenge big or small is not healthy. I’ve not been at work which hasn’t helped my brain or body as it quite taxing on both, but at this time I have my family to think of so work can wait until I’ve sorted my house into order. By the end of the month I hope to be back to normal completely. Fingers crossed! So today I was determined to start my blog again. And now coming to the end I wish I had done this sooner, it is quite therapeutic. And once again feels good to let my thoughts flow on-screen. I’ll do another post on what TB actually is for anyone who might be interested. Then I shall put it behind me and start looking forward…..hopefully!

Happy 2012 to you all and hope we all have a good one!!

Please feel free to comment and debate. Interaction is always welcome here

Well its Friday…….

I have been sitting here since late afternoon, pondering on what to blog about tonight. I think I’m over thinking it when I never used to. So at 10pm at night I’ve decided to just see what comes flowing through my finger tips.Today has been a bit weird but there again the last two months haven’t been exactly normal for me either. Since mid August I’ve had this stupid illness. I can’t stomach the smell or thought of food and even when I have an empty stomach I’m vomiting. This then leads eventually to the zombie state from lack of food and energy. My GP has been wonderful and honest with me- he hasn’t a clue! My blood tests have been fine apart from my ESR rate which was mega high, this shows up inflammation inside somewhere apparently. But this has become within normal range now with medication. So it’s a case of trial and error to diagnose me! Nothing is ever bloody simple with me! Anyhow this is entering its third month and I’m feeling low. I’m obviously tired and drained but I also want to bloody well know what the hell this thing is! Everytime I think I’ll get some answers I end up with more questions. Like I said I’m low and I go and get a throat infection! This knocks me straight on my arse! The throat infection triggered off my vomiting again making it virtually impossible to keep my medication down to stop all this, so for two weeks I’ve been laid up feeling sorry for myself one minute and then wanting to get up and go but not being physically capable.

 

So I am now on my third day of no vomiting thank god! And I’m just starting to feel human again. This morning I got myself washed, dressed and then took a depressing look around. The kids have been off school for a week and the other half has been looking after me, them and trying to keep on top of the day-to-day cleaning. But Jesus did this place need a spruce up. A job that would have normally took me an hour tops took me two hours though. I hoovered the house and cleaned the kitchen and boys room. And that took me two hours?? And i was bloody cream crackered afterwards. You may guess from my moan about ti all that I’m not used to being ill. I allow a mandatory cold every winter and that is all. But recently I am falling weak to these ailments. Last year I was sent home from work as I nearly fainted from pain in my side. I was sent for x-rays and I had a lung infection! Oh no I don’t get a chest infection it has to be lung!! Like I said earlier nothing is simple with me.

 

Now I feel bad that my second post on here is a rant about my ‘illness’. Not a great introduction really, but I did warn you it would be what flowed from my finger tips.  

 

Another thing that has been troubling my lil brain lately is my career. For the past 7 years I’ve had the pleasure to work in my local doctors surgery. First as a receptionist then taking on some admin duties. When on maternity leave a post became available within the Dispensary and I went for it. That was four years ago and  although I do have days where its mundane I do enjoy my job. But……(there’s always a but) I’m always one for advancing.  I never took my GCSEs due to reckless teenage years but since I’ve been working (age 17) I’ve always advanced within my role. I have a friend who was a mature student at university and spoke about how life changing it can be, not just due to whatever course you do but also the people you meet. Since then its been a constant thought in the back of my head. However I can’t just go to University-I need to find a course that would satisfy a major life change. First I thought of within my current job role with medicine. So I look into pharmacist degrees- needs mandatory GCSEs. So that’s put on the back burner. Then during one of our regular drunken discussions a dear friend and I began talking about Social Workers. This has always been a path I love to take but always thought I would get too personally involved. But during our discussion we concluded that there were other sides to the job which would mean I could branch out to different departments as such. So I look into Social Work degree. I find one locally and the course sounds amazing. But again GCSEs needed and 400 hours within the care community! I am starting to believe I should focus my efforts somewhere else. I was toying with the idea of opening a shop either on the web or a proper shop but as with everything money I have not got is needed. I don’t know maybe I should just go with the flow and see where i end up?